Genghis Khan (Servant Archer)

[Genghis Khan]

Archer




"It is not sufficient that I succeed. Everyone else must fail."

[/color][/b][/color]Borjigin Temüjin
OTHER ALIAS: //[/color]The Conqueror of the World, Genghis Khan, King of Kings, Wrath of god.
CURRENT AGE: //[/color] 65 (rejuvenated by the grail so he looks to be in his early twenties.)
YEAR OF BIRTH: //[/color] 1162
GENDER: //[/color] Male
ALIGNMENT: //[/color] Lawful Evil
OCCUPATION: //[/color] First emperor of the mongol empire.
[/size][/ul]

[/color][/b][/color]

i1080.photobucket.com/albums/j339/deadlysnark/fdks.jpg

i1080.photobucket.com/albums/j339/deadlysnark/dssk.jpg

i1080.photobucket.com/albums/j339/deadlysnark/untitledfffff.jpg

HEIGHT: //

[/color] 190 cm
WEIGHT: //[/color] 79 kg
EYE COLOR: //[/color]red (*black)
*when not in battle
HAIR COLOR: //[/color]Red
PIERCINGS: //[/color] none
TATTOOS: //[/color]none
DISTINGUISHING FEATURES: //[/color] He wears traditional mongol clothes[/size][/ul] [/blockquote]

[/color][/b][/color]

• Open minded and curious
  
  • Ever since he was little Genghis Khan has been very curious about the ways the world work, an interest that was nurtured by his mother. He accepts new situations quickly and does not dwell on the past. He promoted religious tolerance and always made an effort to understand everything and everyone.
  
  
  
• Combat and generally pragmatic
  
  • Khan is without a doubt one of the most, if not the most pragmatic person to live in his era. For him a fair fight is a stupid fight and is not worth fighting. Human shields, corpses filled with deceases, dust in the eyes, hit and run tactics, he’ll use them all. He prefers to conquer an enemy by using fear instead of just rushing in and killing everything. He does not like to waste does that are loyal and capable. So he became also a very frequent user of the tactic known as Befriending, in other words, the action of turning the best and most worthy foes of the past into his most loyal and capable friends. Pretty much all his generals were his ex-enemies.
  
  
• Lawful evil/noble demon
  
  • While he is willing to do almost everything to win, he does have his own code of conduct. He favours the concepts of loyalty, brotherhood, friendship, honesty, responsibility and, surprisingly, diplomacy and peace. Well at least in the end the conflict and make the enemy into a loyal soldier as fast as possible way. You defile what is listed here, well… Ever heard of what happened to the Khwarezmian Empire?
  
  
• Cruel and ruthless batman expy.
  
  • All I need to say is, don’t anger him, Anger and hatred doesn’t make him lose his mind nor his cool. They drive him, they fuel him, they make him single minded. He will focus and forge his hatred into his most powerful weapon and then use it to well… the Khwarezmian Empire, eveyone?
  
  
• Well intentioned extremist
  
  • He cares deeply for his people and will generally listen to what they want (which turns out to be war.) He’ll do everything in his power to insure that his people will get a bright future. Even researches into the well of souls.
  
  

LIKES: //

[/color]

Horses

Loyalty

Honesty

Talent and skills

DISLIKES: //[/color]

The chinese

Traitors

Cowards

Those who like to manipulate others.

Enforcers

STRENGTHS: //[/color] He is an incredibly fast learner who can use and understand new knowledge almost instantly.
He is fast and hits hard.
Genghis is devastatingly effective in hit and run attacks and long ranged attacks.
Is quite the team player and tries to act in a way that benefit of all his allies, most of the time.

WEAKNESSES: //[/color]His martial prowess in close combat with his scimitar while on foot is fairly weak when compared to his archery.
When his hatred is awakened he will lose sight of the big picture and only focus on what’s in front of him.
Of all the servants in this war, he probably has the most enemies due to his actions.
He can sometimes take his failures pretty hard.
A high prana Upkeep.
[/ul][/size][/blockquote]

MY LEGEND: //

[/color] en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Genghis_Khan
MY HISTORY: //[/color]I was born as Temüjin, my father was Yesükhei, a tribal chief, and my mother was Hoelun. Like every child born from a leader, I was setup in an arranged marriage with the daughter of chief from an allied tribe. Her name was Börte. At the age of nine, my father sent me to work in the service of Börter’s family. He told me that, I was to prove my worth, earn my future wife and show that I had what it took to become a great leader. However, my father was killed on his way home. When the news reached me I went home as fast as I could only to find that my tribe, not wanting to be led by a kid, decided to abandone me and my family.

For the next several years, life was hard, but manageable thanks to my mother, who taught me everything that I needed to know to survive, both in the wilds and in the world at large. From her I learn about the intricacies of politics, the importance of loyalty and brotherhood.

When I reached the age of 16, I married Börte, but soon afterwards she was kidnapped by a enemy tribe. I managed to rescue her thanks to Jamuka my best friend and sworn brother.

Soon, my name became famous across the plains of Mongolia. I conquered tribe after tribe, gain soldiers after soldiers and generals after generals. I was poised to become the leader of all of the Mongol tribes. My biggest obstacle in my conquests would turn out to be Jamuka. Like me, he wanted to rule all of Mongolia. We fought and I won, he was captured and brought to me. I offered him to chance to live and to serve me. He responded

There can be only one sun in the sky, if it can’t not be me, then I ask of you in memory of our friendship, give me a noble death.

His wish was granted.

I was crowned as the supreme king of all the Mongol tribes. At first I had thought of settling down and create an country based on our neighbours, but I soon realized two things, one the foreign powers that liked to manipulate us would not let us do that, they would destroy us first and eliminate the possible threat. Second, wars, battles and raids, such things are deeply ingrained in our culture and even though I am now the Khan, there will still be old purists who would disagree with me and resist any of my attempts to change our ways. So I devise a plan. I would led all the soldiers to war and absorb all peoples, break down the barriers of race, culture and religion and forge them all into one single people, this would allow me to eliminate the threat of foreign powers. The old soldiers and chiefs would die glorious deaths in battle, which allows me to promote young people who are talented, open and most importantly loyal to me into positions of power.

I won’t bore you with details, like how many countries got conquered on my orders or the number and the names of the civilizations that I wiped out. There is one important fact about this period that none, but I and my most trusted knows about. In my conquests, I learned about the existence of magecraft form my shamans and in my conquest I learned of Akasha. I began to gather all knowledge on these subjects in my capital with plans to study them and spread them into the four corners of my empire once it was finished. I wanted to reach Akasha, I wanted to conquer the will of all, to shape the world as I see fit, I would create an ideal world for my people, no, for all peoples.

I was soon faced with the consequences of trying to control magecraft.

It was a gentle night; we had set up camp after another successful conquest. There was a great celebratory feast as we drank, ate and had women. Then we went to sleep. As I laid on my bed content with my life I heard a noise, but in my intoxicated state I paid it no attention.

This reaction was a mistake.

I was stabbed in the guts with a knife. I managed to dispatch of my assassin and I was soon surrounded. I didn’t know it then, but these were enforcers, elite magi sent by the desperate Europeans to stop my forces. They had poisoned our food and our drink, now I could clearly hear the moaning of my men agonising from this attack. I tried to fight back, but soon the poison started to take effect. My movements became slow and sluggish, and soon I could fight back no more.



As I lay on the ground dying, my only companions were thoughts filled with hatred and regret.

That was the end of my old life.
MY GOALS: //[/color] To finish what I started and to get revenge.
[/size][/blockquote]

[/color][/b][/color]

One scimitar, can be used against the NP swords of other servants.

One Mongolian Bow.

NOBLE PHANTASM: //[/color]

"Neg Khar Tug"
Rank: A
Type: Anti-Army
Range: 200m
Radius: 20m
Max Targets:300

"Neg Khar Tug", otherwise known as the Black Banner of the Mongols, the war banner of the Mongol and Genghis Khan’s personal flag.

Legend has it that Khan’s soul resides inside one of the last remaining Banner. It was kept inside a monastery and disappeared from the world in the year 1937.

When activated, opens a crack in reality allowing Genghis Khan to call for aid fromm his armies in the form of one mighty barrage of mongolian arrows. The A-rank Noble Phantasm attack is the sum of all the arrows, no individual NP-ranked arrows. This NP is limited to one use per day and that's if Genghis Khan's prana would even allow him to use it as this is a NP intensive attack.

The Golden Horde
Rank: A(*B)
Type:Support
Range:
Max Targets:20

To modern Mongols, Genghis Khan is their greatest hero and the man that once brought them untold glory and riches.

For a Mongol soldier in the time of the Mongol Empire, Khan is the greatest leader they will ever have.

These are the respect and reverence that Khan has earned as the Khangan, King of Kings. For such a King that has led and rode his armies into countless conquests, no barriers can seperate them. Not death, not time, not class.

The Golden Horde is the physical representation of the Mongol Horde and a Symbol of Genghis’s leadership. When the Golden Horde is summoned it takes up the form of a mighty black steed.

When riding this beast, Khan's AGI is increased to A+ and each of his normal arrow strikes becomes much more powerful. A normal arrow strike is D-rank, but with Golden Horde, they get boosted to C-rank. The boosts in power for the arrows does not apply to Neg Khar Tug.

Even when Khan is not riding on it, this steed can and will do anything in its power to help Genghis Khan, such as, attacking by itself or knowing what Genghis Khan wants almost as soon as he thinks about it

This NP can be maintained for 3 turns, aka 3 posts by Genghis Khan. The cost for this NP varies depending on how many turns Genghis Khan decides to maintain its existence.
1 turn: C NP level of prana
2 turns:B NP level of prana
3turns:A NP level of prana

*Due to being summoned as an Archer.

Loyalty of the Kheshig
Rank: A
Type: Anti-Unit
Max Targets:
The Kheshig were Genghis Khan’s personal guard, who were all once his enemies, but became his most trusted allies and swore everlasting loyalty to him, later on. Of this group, only two of them had a bond, born from loyalty, with Genghis Khan that was beyond the limits of time and death and allow them to serve Temujin in this war.

Subutai, The Unstoppable Wind
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Subutai
Khan's right hand and greatest general. Born as the son of a blacksmith, he quickly rose through the ranks of Genghis Khan's army thanks to his intelligence and strategic savyness.

STRENGTH: //

[/color] E
ENDURANCE: //[/color] E
AGILITY: //[/color] D
MANA: //[/color] E
LUCK: //[/color] D[/blockquote]

Jebe, The loyal Arrow
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jebe
When his clan was attacked by Genghis Khan, then known as Temujin's army. He managed to gravely injured Temujin with a skillful shot of his bow. After his clan's defeat Temujin demanded to know who had shot him and Jebe, then known as Zurgadai, confessed without fear and promised to forever serve Genghis Khan. He is consider to be Genghis Khan's second greatest general.

STRENGTH: //

[/color] E
ENDURANCE: //[/color] E
AGILITY: //[/color] D
MANA: //[/color] E
LUCK: //[/color] D[/blockquote]

The weapons used by the generals are the same as Genghis Khan's. A scimitar and a mongolian Bow, both of which can stand in a fight between Heroic spirits.

The generals summon with this NP are, unfortunately, these are not representative of their actual stats as a Heroic Spirits. As they are but shadows of their true selves that reside in the Throne of Heroes,

the two generals can last 3 turns, as in posts by Genghis Khan in the threads. Both are summon at the same time, so this NP is pretty prana intensive.

The Kheshig are not included in the Golden Horde.

CLASS ABILITIES: //[/color]

Independent Action
The capacity to take action without receiving a supply of prana from the Master. At the higher ranks it is also possible to remain for extended periods of time in this world without a established contract.
C: Capable of remaining in this world for one day without a established contract.

Magic Resistance
E: Cannot cancel spells, but magic damage is reduced somewhat.

SKILLS: //[/color]
Military Tactics : B
Tactical knowledge used not for one-on-one combat situations, but for battles where many are mobilized. Bonus modifiers are provided during use of one's own Anti-Army Noble Phantasm or when dealing against an enemy Anti-Army Noble Phantasm.

Charisma, The talent to lead an army : A
Achieved the greatest level of allure as a human being.

Riding : C
C: Most creatures can be rode with average skill. However, cannot ride those of Demoniac Beast and Holy Beast-rank.

Eye of the Mind (True) C :
Capable of calm analysis of battle conditions even when in danger and deduce an appropriate course of action after considering all possibilities to escape from a predicament. So long there is even a 5% chance of a comeback, this ability improves the chances of winning.

STRENGTH: //

[/color] C
ENDURANCE: //[/color] C
AGILITY: //[/color] A (*A+)
MANA: //[/color] C
LUCK: //[/color] C
*Stats when riding The Golden Horde.
[/blockquote][/size][/ul]

[/color][/b][/color] khan
FACE CLAIM: //[/color]Wander from shadow of the colossus
OTHER CHARACTERS: //[/color]Yang Huang Long
MISC. INFORMATION: // changed the class into Archer.[/color][/size][/ul]

[Genghis Khan]

AAAAANNNNDDD FINISHED!!

Now come at me if you dare!!!

Let the revisions begin!!

[Tohsaka Rin]

Well, I better begin with the following words...

you won't like to hear that.

First of all, servants are usually human, and Khan was defined as a human. He was no horned demon. I can understand where you are coming from, when you wish to reflect his personality on his looks, but honestly... this is Fate/Stay Night and not Star Wars, where people who turn to the dark side grow horns etc.

The FaceClaim in this form alone is a problem, yet gets another boost through the distinguished features. It would be another matter if he had a Noble Phantasm or personal Skill that could create something like an aura or hallucination which dims him into that light to give him something like that appearance.

Otherwise, it just does not work.

Your weapon makes no sense. A bow is a bow and can't double as a sword. You can also bind them to your arms as much as you want, but drawing them with mere thoughts is not human. A servant is a weaker copy of the heroic spirit and not an upgraded version. You can't hope that your flesh merges with sword-bows. A bow of such level would also qualify as an NP of its own and I mean the NP attack and not just the weapon NP. It is not possible.

Counter-Guardians are a risk, you get the entire world against you and that does not change because you died. For one, I don't see why the Throne of Heroes would register someone that was deemed a threat by Mankind. But even if I were to forget about that, the Counter Force would activate and hunt you, right after the summoning. We don't want CG in this war, for most obvious reasons. Even if it might be a waste to use Guardians that are fighting servants of equal level. No CGs.

Bows of the Horde is a rather extreme carbon copy of Gate of Babylon. Just that for interesting reasons Gilgamesh' gate is actually weaker. As the rank of the attacks varies and you fire everything at Rank A or ..now B, which is also a bit confusing. The Noble Phantasm has in this case nothing to do with the class. May it be an Archer, a Rider, a Saber, this is not an Archery, Sword or Spell Skill, and although the information can be interesting, it does not make any sense here. It is also not helpful when you have not added under what class it would actually be A. The info has no meaning. I can't really see how this is really an NP for Genghis Khan, either. It would require a severe tune down, that I would even consider thinking about it being allowed or not. Right now, it is a clear: No.

An NP should have one effect. You are overloading your steed NP too. Each steed could if it is a good horse count as another NP, but not all 4 at once in one. It is even more strange when you materialize all 4 at once for an unknown amount of attack power. Only casters can really summon, but talking about summoning is for the sheer easy use of the term the most effective. A servant realizes a part of their legend because it is strongly tied to them. Medusa summoned Pegasus and used Bellerophone, which did not even require Pegasus. Iskander had his shared NP, although arguably not even possible, we allow the regular summon of steeds because it was done by Medusa, no matter how some would deny the ability, but this is just too much. I also have no idea why your horses are able to shoot lasers out of their eyes. There are some demon horses in some legends, but Khan's horses are supposed to be just horses. They are not even Red Hare and that one could not breath fire or shoot laser beams either.

Loyalty of the Kheshig is a God Hand Rip. I can see that you removed the immunity part and stated that it is only working with Anti-Personnel, but that does not help. Herakles' skill was broken and that is the reason why the mod team does not want to see him as a servant in this war. Seeing a copy of it, even if tuned down does not really make any of them happy, myself included. Worse, it is actually a combination of partly strange NPs rather than one.

You take a hit and then depending on the attack, analyze, reverse causality (Fragrach greets you) and then summons a soldier to take the hit (Summoning again, shared rm...). Then you summon all others and they hit the target in an unavoidable counter. Not only would from the theory alone the attack power lower with each lost general, as it does not replenish, that is so much over the boarder, that it is already more on an A+++ or EX level, and that repeatedly. Even if it would be allowed, and I won't allow it, it would reduce Khan's prana to 0 (killing him) before he could even hope to get to his last life.

Independent Action: B ... I know that Medusa had it as a personal skill, but she also was a rather prana conserving servant and also fighting in that style. Genghis is clearly a prana source abuser supreme. Nothing in his personality or skills, although they are not allowed anyway, fits a person who cares about prana.

The stats are confusing. What are the stats without the brackets supposed to stand for? You are summoned as a Rider.

The quote is empty. I only see a thin line and can't understand the meaning.

Misc. Information: Unfortunately not.

You tried too much here. I have already heard that you had nerfed down versions, as people so adoringly call them, and only tried to see the limits. As you can see, the limits literally crushed it. I hope to see the other version.

Regards and a

Happy New Year.

[Genghis Khan]

Revisions, complet!

[Tohsaka Rin]

Well, this profile looks much better than the first.

The first could be a bit much for those costs, but I will leave that up to the next mod.

The Golden Horde: I really need to tell you that you should not get too picturesque in some physical descriptions like your steed. It is a steed and not a demonic beast. Why would it be in shadows? Considering that I need to check for technical issues and not just power, this is important, even if it may sound irrelevant for the RP.

What I also need to say here is that when you drop a stat of a noble phantasm the effects inside have to drop as well. Dropping the general Rank and keeping the effect will literally just drop down the prana costs and for the NP itself. Turning every shot into a NP Rank Attack is too much. If you wish to state that he has an increased damage output then this is fine, but not E Rank NPs, especially when we don't know how fast you shoot. Considering that you fire normal arrows and not aim a Caladbolg, that can happen quite fast....

I also would suggest to cut the time down to 2 or 3 turns instead of full 4 turns.

There is also this:

When it is called into reality by Genghis Khan the space inside

I think you somehow did not end up finishing this sentence. What do you want to say?

Loyalty: It is better than the previous version, but you still summon 10 Heroic Spirits on the field with A stats. And second you again make it versatile in its use. You need to stick to ONE attack pattern. Either you summon all and have them charge, or you summon one to aid you, changing that depending on will, is not how the NPs work. Otherwise you might wonder why Gae Bolg was split into two attacks and not just two methods in one NP.

The Rank is with A+ for that also by far too low. And... sorry, but this sentence does not make any sense for me.

The summoned general will then morph into charge at the enemy , and they will follow them

1.) Remove the shadow line
2.) Please finish your sentences
3.) Tune the power of your steed NP down
4.) ..I think it is better to have another NP than your summoning of your own group of Generals. It feels too much like Arturia summoning the Knights of the Round. It would be less of a problem if you had 1 or 2 greatest buddies in your life, but all your generals? :T

If you are really insistent on 4, I will need to ask the other mods for their aid in this matter. I don't intend to ruin the fun, but I really can't see this working.

[Genghis Khan]

Made the changes you wanted.

[Tohsaka Rin]

I can hardly say how much I came to dislike the writer of Iskander's NP....

You first state that you can summon all your generals (Chormaqan, Muqali, Subutai, Jebe, Bogorchu, Borokhula, YelEChucai, Nayagha, Chilaun and Shikhikhutag.)

And then that you most likely would choose two of them. The main issue is that you have an NP which activates with one method, so it does exactly what the NP is supposed to do and not open a Gate of Generals to shoot them out.

So you need to clearly define what it does. Only the best and most tied, loyal characters come out etc.

Next part is that I am of course no fan of those summonings and only a bit more lenient when it comes to Casters, but you might check your stats again.

That general is tougher than Casters for sure, and an A+!? Most servants already consume a lot of prana by just having an A+, it is also even higher than your own character. In the end it is already quite lenient to give such a character a C stat somewhere, but that is totally overpowered.

The second general follows the same problem, although not as serious.

To state it on the side, either it those people are just some helpers or they are great warriors who deserve their own spot in the throne, which will of course make them unavailable for your NP.

I am not fond that the nameless NP of Genghis is used again for two summons, but as they are servants it is acceptable that they carry very low level Nps. Might need to add that for the sake of RP I would not expect their weapons to withstand very strong blows from some characters.

The rest would be acceptable from my point of view.

[Genghis Khan]

Alright, your turn.

[Tohsaka Rin]

[1/3 APPROVAL]

Next candidate. Do your worst.

[Gilgamesh]

Rin Tohsaka, the King of Heroes accepts your challenge.

Hmm, King of Kings, Conqueror of the World, trapped in a frail body... you have nothing on Iskander, the King of Conquerors! Beg for mercy, mongrel!

Okay, in-character moment aside...

Well, history and the like is fine, though I do see the irony in an Archer with a high prana upkeep, considering that they're supposed to be getting all up in their independent action, but that's just me.

Now, to NPs.

Neg Khar Tug: I don't quite understand what you mean by the paralysis. Is it 2 minutes of utter, crippling illusions? Because full-on paralyzing on top of the stat drops is a bit too much from just a normal standard. Even if the war-mongering Mongols (Or MONGRELZ?) were notorious, Servants would not be affected so easily. Their whole point was to laugh in the face of war, challenge danger, and sometimes bone dragons for prana, though that's a different story. They would not usually be reduced to pants-shittingly crippling terror over such images. Maybe a bit disturbed or perturbed, which is described by the stats drops (From my interpretation) but not utter, paralyzing fear, Bravery skill or no. Also, what do you mean by it being able to be activated 9 times? In a single battle without recharging? Because that's a bit too much. I wouldn't see why you'd use it more than once, to be honest.

Also think you have an unfinished sentence there.

When it is activated Neg Khar Tug will assault everyone mear Khan with images of the mongol horde at war, images

The Golden Horde: I don't quite understand why you have 1000 listed as a maximum targets, since it is just a horse summon, without even a charge or something like that. I'd nix that, to be honest.

Loyalty of the Kheshig: Well, it's a bit of an odd NP for an Archer, to be honest. But since Caesar had something similar, I'm not going to complain. However, the beginning is worded weirdly, implying that Khan could summon all of his generals, even if it gets cleared up later. Personal peeve of mine.

However, above all of these three NPs is another thought. As they stand, they seem to fit a Rider more than an Archer. Most, if not all, Archers have something to do with ranged attacks, no matter how odd they are, from Gil's Gate of Babylon to Archer's Reality Marble. Currently, I am a bit hesitant to consider Khan as a Servant of the Archer class due to this, as his non-phantasmal, unnamed bow alone probably would not qualify for the class. My only suggestion would be to replace one of the three NPs with a singular barrage of Mongolian arrows.

Skills:

Riding B: Riding B is rather high, the sort given to Sabers, to be honest. Khan just rode a normal horse, with him living in the 1200's, after all, and not even being a Rider to boot. For reference, Achilles has Riding C as a personal skill, despite being in The Iliad, and riding sort-of Divine Zeus Horses. I'd drop this to a C.

Eye of the Mind (true) B: This is more of a skill for a man who fought many single battles by himself, an eye for imperceptible changes in the flow of bodies and blades... not necessarily the sort of thing given to a man who commanded battles, who would have to see the large picture. Even so, I would not mind seeing it dropped to C.

Now, onto a few things, mostly for clarity. I've noticed a broken tag and a few typos. The blockquote for Khan's stats is not closed, and there's an empty quote box right after that, for instance...

But that should be it.

Oh, I'd also cut Leon, Aden, and Qin from your Other Characters part.

Now that I have finished with you, get to work, so that I may return to see if you are worthy of living up to Iskander's name! Let us see how much you hunger to see the Truth of the World!

[Genghis Khan]

Mongrel? Beg for mercy? You have no idea who you're talking to don't you?

I will admit that Iskander was a great man, but if you had any brains, you would know that I have surpassed that man.

And know this, none shall stop me for finding out about the Truth of the World. Especially you, ''King of Heroes''. You stand in my way and I'll show you why I am called the King of Kings.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Okay, now that the obligatory tauting is finished. Let's move on shall we?

For the NPs, made the modifications you asked for. Neg Kar Tug is now a banner that summons a barrage of arrows.

Added a section to Golden Horde just for some clarity.

Changed the wording in Loyalty of the Kheshig, so it should be better now.

Fixed some of the typos, don't ask to find all of them it'll take too long, and the problems with the codes.

[Gilgamesh]

Hmh, almost there, Mongol.

My problem is just with your banner. For starters, I'd need to see a maximum range for the arrows, as well as probably a general radius in which they'll fall. It's not like the arrows will keep hitting the same spot, after all. Furthermore, I would probably lower the maximum targets. A thousand seems to be reserved for the likes of incredible, destructive power, such as Excalibur or Ea.

[Genghis Khan]

Done.

[Gilgamesh]

Hmm, I stand aside. One more trial you have, Mongol.

[APPROVED 2/3]

[Cu Chulainn]

Alright, here we go with the last trial, pretty long wait huh?

But first, a letter from our sponsor:

Greetings Barbarian,


I regret to inform you that if anyone surpassed the King of Conquerors, that person is yours truly. Besides, you’re just content on being dead, letting your successors lay the groundwork for your eventual ‘Empire’. Hah, don’t make me laugh.

Someone who doesn’t know what the meaning of moderation like you can’t never truly understand the true meaning of ruling. Even that muscle-head Alexander knows how to win the trust of defeated subject, but you? Rape, pillage and murder had its limits, boy.

King of Kings? It was just something that your subordinates invented that title in order to help you sleep more soundly at night. I didn’t need fancy titles, only functional titles.


Good Day,

Gaius Julius Caesar

P.S. My Tribunes > Your Generals.

…Alright, encouraging words there Jules. Let’s just go down to business now, shall we?

There’s nothing wrong with your backstory, since personal history is full of everything that History failed to mention anyway, so I don’t mind behind the scenes goal and the like.

Loyalty of the Kheshig

I’m pretty sure that 3 turns are really-really short. For your reference, Attila’s army can be maintained for 30 turns, and that lasted for 3 board posts. In comparison, your general can only be maintained for 3/10th of a post. Though it would make for some hilarious situations, I’m pretty sure it’s not what you intended to be, so I would suggest using the Attila’s army as a guideline and modify it as you see fit. You would need a very-very good reason to convince me that your generals can be maintained for more than 30 turns though, they’re heroic spirits and not simple familiars.

Also, this is just simple request for me, but your generals are actually notorious enough to have a place in the Throne, so they won’t have that low of stats, especially Subutai. I would suggest that you add a line explaining that the summoning is not representative of their actual stats as a Heroic Spirits, in case someone wanted to make Jebe or Subutai.

The Golden Horde:

Please add examples of what do you mean by ‘much more powerful, faster, accurate, deadly and Genghis gains more awareness of what's happening around him’. Deadlier normal arrows is fine with your current rank, but if you want to use it to increase Neg Khar Tug’s rank, then Golden Horde’s rank will not be sufficient.

Also, this NP had the same problem with Kheshig. 3 turns of materialization will only allow the Beast to materialize for a charge attack, unless this is what you’re intended to be in the first place. But if your line about attacking by itself is to go by, I think that’s not what you meant. So, please fix this and keep in mind about the limit stated above. Also, if it’s really an attack, please change the Noble Phantasm type into an Anti-Army type.

Neg Khar Tug

The A-rank Noble Phantasm attack is the sum of all the arrows, no individual NP-ranked arrows. Please add the explanation into the Noble Phantasm description above.

Stats

I’m really skeptical about Khan having B-rank Strength, especially as an Archer. Sure, he participated in combats and all, but he was famed as a horse archer, not really as a frontline fighter or a cavalryman like Caesar or Alexander. Also, D-rank luck? He was someone who gets helped by his luck a lot, especially regarding conquering China. It would be better if you can lower STR by a rank, and increase LUCK by a rank.

Yep, I think that’s currently all of them. Good luck on the final stretch by the way, I’ll be here fishing and waiting.

[Genghis Khan]

Done, but first give this to Caesar

Hello


So, you're the infamous Julius Caesar founder of the Roman Empire, huh? I expected better from you. Oh wait, my bad that was Agustus. Sorry I mistook you for your more succesful heir. Heh, after all that talk about me being contend to be dead and letting my heirs laid the groundworks of my empire. You didn't do any better yourself didn't you?

You say that you've surpassed Iskander, is that why you lamented at his grave? Because you surpassed him? Right.
how many countries did you conquer? And how many territories did you claim besides Gaul and parts of Britain? Tell me, I'm eager to find out.

Oh and when you reply, could you tell me how it felt like to be betrayed, stabbed and killed by your own son? I am rather curious since my own sons where very loyal to me. So I never had the opportunity to find out.

So don't you try to compare yourself to me or Iskander, for a man that could not keep the loyalty of his son is nothing more that a pile of trash. You don't deserve to be called a leader.

Genghis Khan

Ps: My generals will rape your tribunes and make them their bitches.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Now that the trash talking is finished, let's move on to business.

Changed the stats.

Clarified that 3 turns=3 posts by Genghis Khan.

made the modification to Golden horde, specified that it doesn't work on Neg Khar Tug and only kept the arrows become more powerful part.

[Cu Chulainn]

Hmm, would prefer the turns to be more in-line with Atilla's, but I guess it's okay since the end product's the same.

Just be careful alright? Making more enemies than you already had seems like bad business to me. And it's not just Jules either.

[3/3 Approved and Locked]