Constructive Criticism

[Chevalier D'eon]

This is a thread for you to post one of your RP posts and have it absolutely torn apart. If you're putting it here, you're accepting all responsibility for the criticism that comes after. This thread is to show you where your talents in posting is good but where it can be improved as well. It's entire purpose is to help you improve; so don't expect anyone to hold back.

So without further adu, i'll present the first post.

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Theater Of Twin Souls


Every decision made was making its consequence more than blatantly clear. It seemed in some level of arrogance this warrior was starting to forget the potency of a threat other heroic spirits could present. Perhaps it was the ease in which Assassin’s seemed to fall that had nurtured this belief to its current adult form. Even still; a mild bit of surprise wasn’t going to be enough to warrant the outcome of victory. Odd, Mordred had never thought that vanity was a threat that occupied his psyche.

As those metal grieves carried the heavily armored knight to the entrance of this theater hall, the same iron of his hand in turn was used to nudge its entrance open. At this point he’d air on the side of caution while still progressing, if there was a chance that these sources were accurate; father was about to be revealed to him. Maybe trusting an enemy servant wasn’t the canniest of ideas, but the boy’s options were quite limited in regards to investigating this. This wasn’t his forte, detective work and the like may not have been impossible; but it wasn’t a skill that he certainly excelled at either. The little the homunculus did possess came from instinct and ability to sense his enemies.

Mordred’s breaths became much sharper and held more weight within the confines of his helmet. Those gradual steps had reduced even further, nerves tightening up starting to feel like the reality of finally seeing his father was about to come to pass. This could be it, the time in which the knight would be forced to prove himself greater than his own king… unfortunately that would mean killing her once more.

You brought this upon yourself father.

He wouldn’t allow his mind to make excuses to justify why Arturia deserved to return to flesh. No, she’d been given plenty of chances in her own era to prevent Camelot’s fall and instead kept the steady path that could only lead to that outcome. Why should Arthur have a second attempt at life while the one that only committed the sin of loving and obeying her had to remain in the dark? No, they’d both sink back into the abyss together.
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As mentioned before, don't hold back; every detail that distracts you from the flow of the post, mention.

[Ellinda Wechseln]

Miss Chevalier.

I seriously don't see why you think you're going to be literally pulled apart by the word. I'd say you should take pride in your text, because this is a really good level of writing. You managed to get me interested as a reader which is crucial for a text to do (or maybe that was just the contents playing tricks on me) and it is without a doubt a quality suited for posts or other such things. I can't see how anyone could complain about this. However, you did tell me to say anything that distracted me, so I guess I will.

"Assassin's" should be "Assassins". "Assassin's" is either a short for "Assassin is" or "Assassin was" which doesn't seem to be the case, or it is an indication that something belongs to a single Assassin such as "Assassin's knife" or "the honor of the Assassin's". I believe you tried referring to multiple Assassins as a group, and if so it is simply to add an s for multiple. One Assassin. Several Assassins. If there is an item belonging to several Assassins, one adds the apostrophe after the s, such as "the Assassins' networks". Had it been "the Assassin's network" it would only be one Assassin that owned the network, while with "Assassins'" several of them own it.

If I remember correctly Servant should be spelled with a capital S. Right along with Master, in that case. The minor letter servant or minor letter master would indicate the usual meanings of the words, which perhaps was what you were going for. Was it the word of an enemy servant as in a human (or something) serving their superior the usual way or did you mean that the great and powerful enemy Servant which is a hero of the past summoned by the enemy Master was the one who told you about this?

Your use of ";" confuses me. But I don't really know what you could replace it with to make it look better.

Some words you use seem unnecessarily advanced and makes me stop a moment to wonder why you'd use such words. Could it be because you want to show off your vocabulary or because it is supposed to be a feeling of strange foreign literacy techniques which surrounds the Servant? In that case, you pulled it off beautifully. Nevertheless, it made it more difficult to get through it at times. Examples include "nurtured this belief", "canniest of ideas", "vanity was a threat that occupied his psyche". Those were the most extreme of the examples. There were others, such as "air on the side of caution", "confines of his helmet", "return to flesh", but those last three made a lot more sense because it felt like there was a purpose in the use of such language at those times. But in any case. The use of these advanced wordings made me have to focus extra on them to truly understand why you used those words, which distracted me from the actual content. I'm not saying it is bad to use those in any way, you appear to have a purpose to make us feel like his mind still roams around with the words of the great past (which is a success), but it did distract me and make it take significantly longer for me to complete the text.

That's not part of the text, but please use capital I when referring to yourself in a thread about proper literacy techniques. "i'll" should be "I'll".

That would be all. All in all, an excellent text which is worthy of being a post. I would have appreciated more about how the surroundings looked so I could picture it in my mind, but that is not a necessity. You don't really have to worry. You're doing fine.

[Alphard]

That was instructive and helpful, thank you very much.