Post by Sola-Ui Nuada-Re Sophia-Ri on Feb 5, 2012 16:56:14 GMT -5
Alright! You seem to have missed a bit here. First of all, a few rules you broke.
1) You need to change your name to that of the character
2) You need an avatar
3) You need a picture on the profile itself (See that [image] tag?)
4) Your history is too short, not only that but it describes nothing. Look around a bit more, and at the very minimum it needs to be 250 words.
5) You need a player name
6) Your faceclaim is the name of an artist. It is alright to credit one, but you need to label it as original.
Ok, now into the actual problems. First of all, Honourable warrior doesn’t seem to really fit, especially considering the way he conquered, and the fact that he murdered Montezuma (Which you mention yourself.)
Now, your link to your legend is not working correctly. It should also link to the actual article, not a specific part like that.
Your legend itself describes nothing, and is too short as mentioned above. Increase the amount of words, as well as describe more.
Phantasms: Reconquista. Not a legendary army, honestly. This phantasm is denied.
La Malinche: This is going to be totally useless. Lucca does not border an ocean.
Shaman Asesino: This phantasm does nothing. Justification also doesn’t work that way. It would not gain anything like that for just killing someone. Denied.
Class abilities: Your Riding is too high a rank. Lower it to B.
Navigator of the Storm: Too high a rank, again.
Military Tactics: Lower this to C rank.
Mana: This should be C or D rank, not C-. Also, remove the +s on your Endurance and Agility stats.
Ok… I should mention this now, but I do not believe this man has sufficient justification for being a heroic spirit. You may continue if you wish, but his deeds tend to be undramatized, and other than tactics and alliances, he has no potential phantasm in my opinion. In addition, this profile also needs to be generally expanded. It should take more time to write, and I would suggest looking at other approved ones.
